Every morning as I head to work I drive by my neighbor’s truck, which is covered in political and religious bumper stickers. The one that catches my eye most days says, “TRUTH, NOT TOLERANCE!” and every day I think, you know, I don’t really want to get to know that neighbor. Look, I’m all for bumper stickers and window decals, and I think it’s almost required for truck owners such as myself to proudly display their opinions and interests to fellow drivers who do not in any way give a shit, but I have to wonder…what is your bumper sticker really saying?
“COEXIST”: I drive slow and I don’t want people to yell at me for it.
“I’m Catholic and I Vote”: I desperately want to feel relevant.
“Your Mother Chose Life”, “It’s a Child, Not a Choice!” or similar fetus-related sayings: I am no longer on speaking terms with over 50% of my family, but it’s definitely their fault, not mine.
Stick-figure family: My children hate me.
“My Child is an Honor Student at XYZ Elementary”: I have lost my own sense of self and live vicariously through my children.
Sports decal and/or school mascot with “Mom” or “Dad”: My child’s high school career is the greatest time of my life.
Howling wolf/Native American imagery decal (unironic): I rock and I love my mullet.
Howling wolf/Native American imagery decal (ironic): I’m a hipster and I love my mustache.
“D.A.R.E.”: I smoke pot.
Confederate flag: I’m racist.
NRA sticker: I desperately want to feel relevant.
Iowa Hawkeyes or Nebraska Cornhuskers: I am a slow, terrible driver.
KU: I am an aggressive, terrible driver.
Bush ’00: I’m conservative and my car is old.
Bush ’04 (or “W”): I’m conservative and don’t necessarily think literacy is an important trait in a president.
Gore ’00: I’m liberal and my car is old.
Kerry ’04: I spent the first decade of the 2000’s smugly telling everyone I never voted for Bush.
McCain/Palin ’08: I’ve spent the last six years smugly telling everyone I never voted for Obama.
Obama ’08 (and any of its offshoots such as Women for Obama, Latinos for Obama, HOPE, etc.): I am a slightly idealistic but overall fairly average person who just happens to have a very hard time saying I’m sorry.
Romney/Ryan ’12: I will protest Obama by refusing to remove my two-year-old bumper sticker.
Obama ’12: I am a sucker. I probably buy a lot of items from infomercials.
Hillary ’16: When people ask me to describe myself in three words or less, one of those words is ALWAYS feminist.
Ron Paul ’08 or ’12: I’ve been described as “eccentric” more than once.
Clinton ’96 or Dole ’96: This sticker is only on here because I want you to know how proud I am my car is still running after all these years.
Calvin peeing on ________: I’m white trash.
Calvin kneeling before a cross: Still white trash, but people feel somewhat bad describing me like that, so they say, “Bless his heart.”
“Watch for Motorcycles”: I’m actually a decent person.
“Horn Broken, Watch for Finger!”: I’m actually a decent person, too. The ones to watch out for are the ones who seethe with road rage rather than joke about it.
Sticker referencing the kind of vehicle you are driving: I desperately need hobbies.
Dodge sticker on a Dodge: I am the most redneck, obnoxious person you will ever meet.
Anything to do with supporting the police or moving over for stopped emergency vehicles: Someone told me I wouldn’t get a ticket if I put this on my car.
Plethora of bumper stickers covering the car: I’m a hoarder. You should see my cats.