10 Jobs I Think I’m Qualified For

1. Bridal Consultant–I’ve seen every episode of Say Yes to the Dress…all 182 episodes (sorry, Sherwin, for watching it on your Netflix account and ruining your indie foreign film recommendations). Yeah, I don’t know what’s my problem. I even applied for David’s Bridal, and they called me multiple times for interviews, so that definitely means something.

2. Dermatologist–I was the kid who would pick off the layers of people’s skin that shed after a sunburn. In middle school I popped my boyfriend’s zits, even the blackheads in his ears, so you know I’m hardcore. Now I have the highest tolerance of anyone I know to watch YouTube videos of “World’s BIGGEST pimple!” and “Blackhead popping montage!!”

3. Bar owner–I’m obsessed with John Taffer’s Bar Rescue. I go into my favorite dive bars and think, “What would JT say? This place needs to be rescued!” I know John Taffer says no one can manage a bar drunk, but I really love beer. I mean…what other qualifications do you need to run a bar?

4. Sleep Study Participant–Sleeping is my greatest talent. I can sleep through a raging party and thoroughly enjoy the rest. I deserve to be paid for my skills, dammit!

5. Hotel Front Desk–I work the front desk at a homeless shelter…and I’ve seen some shit. That in and of itself doesn’t necessarily qualify me to work the front desk of a hotel, because everyone has rough days at work, but I do think I’m particularly good at being nice to people who are being dicks. Anyone can ask the paranoid schizophrenic to leave the premises when he is threatening to impale employees because his 1 trillion dollar tax refund didn’t come in, but it takes a special person to smile and let him know he is welcome to come back the next day. How hard could it be to smile and hand someone a room key?

6. Stay-at-Home-Wife–Notice I didn’t say Stay-at-Home-Mom, because that is a whole different ball game. I’m definitely qualified to be a stay-at-home-wife because I enjoy baking things for others and I’ve never in my life said I would rather go to work than stay home, even when it’s three snow days in and I’ve watched several television series in their entirety and I’ve been wearing the same pajamas the entire time. Also, I like group fitness classes (like aerobics or Zumba, not that Crossfit shit) but I can’t take the ones at 10am because I have a job so…let’s remedy that.

7. Counselor–I enjoy listening to people’s stories and have a high tolerance for crazy. I’m not sure I would technically be the greatest therapist, because I take people seriously when they say the government is out to get them, and I may have told all the clients in the waiting room of a behavioral health center that “everyone gets a little crazy during the full moon,” but for the most part I think I’m qualified.

8. HR–I’m ruthless when it comes to hiring people. Spelling errors on the resume? Cut ’em. Vague cover letter? They’re out. NO COVER LETTER AT ALL? This just got personal. I know how to read between the lines on resumes and see people for who they truly are in interviews. The person who has been at their job less than a year has issues with a supervisor. The applicant who hasn’t had any difficult situations at work was an intern who doesn’t want to complain about being the coffee bitch. The interviewee looking to utilize his or her skills in a new position spends all day on Facebook. But my sister told me to never trust a person in HR, so I guess this career is out, even though I’m totally qualified.

9. Herbalist–I like to drink herbal teas, take epsom salt baths, and pop echinacea like candy when I’m feeling ill. I also read a 300-page book on herbal medicine including the chapter on homemade herbal suppositories.

10. Writer–My  grandma reads my blog and says it’s really great and I write stupid lists like this so I’m totally a writer.

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